Infidelity is A Process: Drama is the Aftermath

I love Facebook for its freedom of speech platform! I truly do. There is often deeper meaning  in the posts, comments and videos that people take two minutes of thought to compile. It’s a “mini personal blog” and I often find it to be very thought-provoking, sometimes inspiring and other times downright ridiculous. This morning, the hypothetical question “What would you do if your husband had a child with someone else while you were married?” I found to be very thought-provoking!

I think the overwhelming consensus was leave his ass, it’s too much to handle. While I can agree looking at it from the context of the question only, it does seem to be too much to handle. However, my thought process went right to infidelity and overlooked the baby all together. When we face painful situations in life it is often easy for us to play the victim and paint pictures that make us look helpless and as if we had no control over the situation. The truth is, infidelity is a process and the drama is only the aftermath.

Unfortunately, the child becomes the easy thing to focus on because it can be seen, touched, and viewed by others. The same is true when there isn’t a baby present at all and we’re simply talking about “the other woman”.  Whether a baby or a woman, the problems festering behind closed doors have been exposed to the world. That’s a tough pill to swallow for anyone! However, I believe if couples face reality and realize that this baby or this woman was not brought into your life overnight (although it feels that way) then there’s a good chance the marriage has a chance of overcoming the infidelity. This is nothing more than simple cause and effect.

I’ve come to find myself rather irritated with any woman who wants to constantly play the victim in these situations. A victim is a person who is tricked or duped, harmed through actions such as rape, robbery, or accident. In essence, victims could not see it coming and they were helpless. Unless you’re in an arranged marriage, or one you did not willingly invite into your life, how in the world are you a victim? Marriage takes two. Yet, this concept seems to only be convenient when it comes to finances and family photos but not when shit hits the fan? Wrong! Infidelity is a process and there was trouble brewing long before the pregnancy hit the marriage. It also takes a woman who is very confident, strong and resilient to admit to herself that she more than likely ignored signs BEFORE they married, she ignored signs DURING the marriage and she ignored signs AFTER the cheating began (folks always need the hard proof).

The reality IS the hardest part of a failed marriage or one that’s in trouble, is accepting the role they played (whether they did the cheating or not). The drama of the phone call, the pregnancy, the lipstick, the messages found etc. are simply the aftermath! It’s the shot heard around the world but how many guns were silenced, hidden, taken and bullets dodged before it killed the marriage? The two people who are married (if honest with themselves) know for a fact there were too many to count. Infidelity is a process, none of this happens overnight, and you cannot attack a marriage that isn’t open for attack? EVERYONE knows when their marriage has hit that point but what was done about it then? Well, it’s a common approach to ignore reality and “keep up the facade”  for friends and family instead of reaching out for help. The problem with this approach is “small cuts” are easy to ignore until “the cut” is now a deep wound (such as a baby). The great news is, your attention is now back on your marriage! The bad news is, your attention is back on your marriage. Yea, that broken one that isn’t gonna fix itself! In addition, for many, it often alerts you to the fact that you still care and have now realized you DO want your marriage! But an added problem is, you want the old one? Before the drama, when it only had small cuts, it doesn’t look so bad now, does it? That “small cut” is now a deep festering infection in danger of killing the limb entirely. The options now are to live without this limb or fight to heal it knowing it may never function or be the same. The latter is much harder to do, and most choose to live without it. However, it doesn’t guarantee life will be better. If you never learn to address “the small cut” before it becomes in infection, this same system will follow you through the rest of your life because you don’t know HOW to affair proof your relationships.

I tend to have much less popular opinion than most, but I am not saying anything I myself haven’t experienced. I don’t call myself a “victim” and I have never pretended to be one. We allow cuts which tend to be completely manageable things like; I want more quality time, I want to go on more dates, I want a better job, I want us to spend less money, I need more sex, the kids are stressing me out etc. to turn into situations that create space and open the door for others to fill the gap. Don’t let a cut be the reason you ignore your marriage.  Immediately stop to take care of it, and heal the root issue before it grows into greater problems, greater pain, and greater excuses!

Do not let small cuts act as a deep wound in your marriage! I pray marriages never reach that point but when they do, you certainly know the difference between the two and you suddenly feel silly for letting something that was so small become so big. It’s a process, avoid the aftermath by actively being a part of the process to keep a healthy affair proof marriage.

Advertisements

5 thoughts on “Infidelity is A Process: Drama is the Aftermath

  1. Shirley Glass and Janis Spring would disagree with you. People cheat to self medicare themselves not their marriages. Plenty of professional agreement there. It is naive to think that cheating happens for rational reasons “i will hurt my marriage because my marriage hurts me”.

    How about an alcoholic? Why do they drink? It isnt their marriage, many are single. Cheating happens for many of the same “reasons”.

    Like

  2. I completely understand where you’re going with this post. I’m sorry but this does NOT happen with happily married couples. They may appear happy on the outside but if someone is cheating, their is a root cause that is not known from an outsider looking in. we all have that friend (whether male or female) that we think is awesome but somehow ends up with a cheating partner time and time again. I think it’s very wise to self reflect because playing the victim can and in most cases will have you right back in the same situation again. Whether it be because you don’t support his dreams, talk dirty in the bedroom, clean up after yourself …whatever there are conversations that can be had before it gets to the point of someone stepping out. It’s EXTREMELY naive to think that your awesome and that the person cheated on you is just totally at fault and its “their” problem. There are signs, and for the most part men try to throw those hints “hey babe really wish you were at my games” “think we can make love and role play tonight it’s been a couple weeks” “let’s just get away just the two of us”. If your responses are constantly NOT NOW, NOT TONIGHT, THE KIDS THE KIDS, EWWW – eventually the gap between spouses widens until he’s no longer asking and then all of a sudden his co-worker been a shoulder to cry on, someone to talk to and just like that…..infidelity. I just totally get where you are coming from on this!! Thanks for thinking outside the box!

    Like

  3. You cant possibly be that silly. Of course betrayed spouses are victims. They never signed up to be cheated on or to share and they were not consulted, instead they were blindsided. Nothing they could possibly do in a marriage makes them deserving of that except being a cheat themselves, and yes cheating wipes out all the petty human gripes anyone could have with your spouse. Don’t like how i raise the kids? Stack the dishwasher? Go out with friends occasionally? Don’t like that i work or work full time or don’t cook, or that we have sex hardly at all? (these are hypothetical, i love cooking and sex).

    Well guess what? You just trumped that. All of it. And now you are facing the consequences and sitting there thinking to yourself “well that was dumb”.

    Like

    • Nephila, thank you for your comment. You are certainly entitled to your opinion and it’s clear you disagree. I wrote this particular blog, not to be silly as you suggest, but to enlighten the women/men who will walk their entire lives feeling completely faultless in their failed marriages. Are there some who married an individual who has a double life/second family etc.? Sure. THAT is a true victim and that is also much more than cheating! The others, dealing with all the hypothetical questions you listed & finding themselves managing a shit storm as a result of a poorly managed marriage (that took two to create) are not victims. Sometimes the “takes two” is you married the wrong person to begin with, got married for the wrong reasons, can’t communicate, refused counseling, refuse to see their point of view, refuse to have sex with them and a whole bunch of stuff that leads down the road to infidelity. All of those hypothetical questions ARE NOT justification for cheating, they are however the reality of WHY people do choose to cheat. There’s a difference. Why people cheat should matter to the spouse whether they chose to leave or stay. Understanding WHY can only make that individual stronger as a person, stronger in their marriage if they choose to stay or stronger in their next relationship if they leave. Thanks again for the comment and we do share a couple things in common; I love cooking and sex too! 🙂 Ta ta!

      Like

      • LOL not justification but…(insert attempted justification). People cheat because of something wrong in *them* not their marriage. Even happily married people with lovely spouses cheat. I know several examples. So no, you are deluded for whatever reason. Whatever.

        Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s